Happy Giver

“You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I’ll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I’m carried in everlasting arms
You’ll never let me go
Through it all…”

April 16,2012

My plan for today is just to absent myself from the LET review (LET means Licensure Examination for Teachers) because I have to prepare for my demo teaching in the school I applied for. Yes! You heard it right! I will soon be a teacher. An English teacher to high school students. Until now, I didn’t know why I graduated from an education course. In fact, I never dreamed of being a teacher.  I just dreamed of finishing my studies. And I did. That’s why I am really thankful to all the people who believed and supported me all the way. They are the reasons why I keep on moving during the times when I really want to give up. Aside from that, there were a lot of times that I want to transfer to another school and shift to a different course (a course still unknown up to this day). But anyway, I feel so blessed that I made it! I made a lot of people proud. I made our God proud! 

A dreamer..(that’s me!)

I believe that I made it simply because I am a dreamer. Because God made me a dreamer. If not for being a dreamer, I will not make it. I will not be able to achieve my dreams especially this dream of graduating from college. But hey! My dreams do not stop from there,from simple receiving my diploma. I have a lot if bigger dreams in life. BIGGER DREAMS mean having my own family,buying my own house and lot, enjoying life just like everybody else, etc. And I believe that this these dreams will definitely come true.

Still AMBIVALENT…

But now that I already graduated from college and will soon be a teacher, I am still afraid that I will not be a good one because I know that I didn’t study that HARD ENOUGH. (Given the reason that I really did not intend to become a teacher). But today, I realized that maybe, the main reason why I am still doubting now about my capability as a teacher is because I am not contented with who I am and what I have. I want greater things. I expect a lot from myself. To the point of hating myself.

A Totally WEAK Person

Yes, my dear readers! There came a point in my life that I totally hate my life. I want to end my life. The reason: I always fail. I always think that I am not good enough and I cannot succeed. But the real thing is that I just didn’t give my best because I always say that I don’t want this. I am not good at this. I cannot teach. I cannot be a good teacher because I am not smart. I am not creative. I don’t read enough books. How can I teach my students if I don’t know anything.

AN INCREDIBLE REALIZATION

Despite being imperfect and weak, I realized that I should love myself. Because the truth is: God loves me! He sacrificed His own life to save me. And He doesn’t want me to suffer. He wants me to dream. To succeed and be the best that I can be. And most of all, I have to believe in myself. I may fail but that’s okay. It’s part of life. That failure will actually lead us to be a better person. To be like Jesus!

God wants us to be like Him

Believe me! This is true! I was a long time member of a marian organization in our community. Way back in elementary, I know that it was one of my dreams to become a choir member. I want to sing and at the same time, serve the Lord. I was really amazed at those people singing inside the church. That’s why I believe that as early as eight years old, God called me to serve. To share what I have and to help other people as well. But obstacles came so I have to stop that dream. I just have to focus on my studies and be a good daughter and sister to my parents and siblings because maybe it was not the right time. Not yet.

God really wants the best for us!

For the second time, God called me again. I became a member of CoM (Children of Mary: the marian group I was saying awhile back). And this May 2012 will be my fourth year as a member and I still feel so blessed to be part of it. An organization founded by Mama Mary herself.

I may have dreams for myself but God has better plans for me.

Okay. I get it. Maybe He really wants me to become a teacher. He wants me to be a good example to everyone. He wants me to show the world how much He loved us by teaching His words to my future students because He will not let me finish this course if He doesn’t believe in me, in what I can be. 

But why I still feel I am not good enough, that I don’t deserve what He’s giving me?

You may find this very negative. But to me? This is just the real me. I don’t believe in myself because I don’t trust God BAD ENOUGH. I feel so weak because the truth is: I need God to heal me, to love me, to say that He really believes in me.

God uses other people to tell us how much He loves us!

One thing I really feel guilty about myself is that I don’t listen very well. I am selfish. I just want to listen to my own mind and give no attention to what other people are saying. But God is really good. He doesn’t want me to remain the same He wants me to change. In that regard, He used my grandfather to let me know that I can do better. That I can be the best. That I have the power to change my life because He totally believes in me. That’s why I am now inspired to be the best teacher I can be because of what my grandfather said. He made me feel so strong.  That I can do anything. That I just have to believe in myself and God will be there to guide me in all that I will do. I have to fully give my trust to the Lord because He believes in me so much. 

And yes! It’s true! Believe this: Nothing is impossible with God!

Believe that you can do all things! Believe that you can be a better person. In my case, I have to believe that I can be a good teacher. It may not be one of my dreams to become one but if this is what God really wants, I will simply obey. I will simply follow Him no matter what because I trust in Him! I surrender everything to him now.

To end this long-time-dream blog entry, I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU LORD FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME AND FOR MY FAMILY, FOR CONTINUE  GUIDING ME AND GIVING ME THE STRENGTH THAT I NEED.

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, I WANT TO SAY THIS TO YOU DEAR LORD (and I hope I could say this personally):

“I LOVE YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS WILL! “:*

With so much love,

Gelai

#YourfutureEnglishteacher:)) 

Who’s that girl? :D

I so loved this song. :D